We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
