I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Randomize
