look no pants
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
