I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
