i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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