So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
