I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
