im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
