booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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