Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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