we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
