It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
