youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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