You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
