Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
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