I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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