I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
