how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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