I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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