God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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