I am spending my child support on dildos
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
