I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
