oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
