It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Houston, we have a squirter
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
