I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
