M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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