I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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