He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
