My sheets look like a crime scene.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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