That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
