the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
