I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
