The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
