The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
