All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i hope you realize when i said "grib" earlier i was referring to the gridded binary, a mathematically concise data format commonly used in meteorology to store historical weather forecast data. also meant in referential conjunction to my probability math class that i am failing at roughly 215pm tomorrow afternoon.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
