yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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