after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
