I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
