i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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