I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
