zippers are such a cool invention
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
