based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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