your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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