bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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