You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
