is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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