I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
