We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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