If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
