my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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