yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
